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Not have gotten so close to Yagami, for one thing.

[Possibly to his detriment, but he's saying it like it is. Who knows how things would have gone if their interaction had remained from a distance. L approaching him like he had forced Kira's hand in interesting ways. Had he not done that, perhaps the man would have gotten more complacent. It's impossible to say now.

But even had he approached him, he wouldn't have gotten close the way L did. Far too close.]

I want you to know that your deletion of the information never bothered me.

[He would have taken similar precautions in that situation - but the situation itself is the problem. With Kira in the inner circle able to follow anyone's movements it would be difficult to send the files anywhere they couldn't be traced. And what's worse, the company he kept couldn't be trusted not to report back to the suspect.]

It's that you left him full access to what was left.

[A strange expression flickers over L's face. Deadened dismay, like the ashes after a furious fire... and maybe pride, in the skill of one he respects.]

He wasn't meant to have that information. It was the point of erasing it, when I realized that I had a limited window in which to act. But if anyone could restore it... or trace the path of a copy...

[Light Yagami had managed to hack into the police's database, after all.]

I replay that last day constantly in my mind. In some part of it, it's always on repeat. Even with time and distance, I haven't thought of a way I could have saved my life or preserved those files. Actually, before I found myself here, I was--

[Holding a guardrail, thinking, thinking]

It doesn't matter. There was one way out, and... I know, based on what I've been told of the future, that it didn't happen that way.

Not the information itself. Anyone who could have remembered it.

[One of the most annoying aspects of dealing with Light had been how he bad been viewed by everyone else. He was the good guy and that was a problem. How do you convince fools that he's playing them for exactly what they are?]

With your death he was left with a full team at his disposal and access to anything the police could get their hands on. He had the trust of the police and we had to work around that.

[It's another thing he's at risk of repeating here.]

You left him too much power and he took full advantage of it.

[L seems tired without quite being reproachful. He reminds himself often, at this juncture, that Near's criticisms are fair, while still being criticisms of things that happened after L had died and could no longer control.

A wish expressed as a bluff had been taken at face value, by idiots. Light had inherited his title, functionally, for years before Near was ready to step up against him.]

I'd expect both of you to use what advantages were available to you, after...

[A pause. This is bothering him. However it might have seemed, however he might have felt in a weak and solitary moment...]

I was killed. My departure was an involuntary one, following the unprecedented revelation of a god of death and a murder notebook. You must stop speaking as though I chose death and loss.

[And as though I'm choosing it again, now.]

You placed yourself directly next to the man you considered the murderer. Even if you'd had doubts in your theories at any point, inviting someone who'd been a suspect to work on the case alongside you was taking a big risk. You put your life on the line and you knew this. You chose the potential of death.

Had your confidence been so high that you didn't take into account what might happen should you die while all those doors were left open to Yagami?

[Near isn't emotive. He doesn't shake his head in disapproval, he doesn't clench his fists. He twists his finger in his hair as he always does to keep his hands busy, so he isn't still and awkward while attention is upon him.]

Don't act as if what happened is a surprise to you - something unforeseen.

[Conversely, L is very still. Perhaps it's awkward. He's occupying several very different moments in time, and it leaves him feeling stretched, thin, almost transparent.]

My evaluation of the risks associated with the case looked very different on the case's first day. My last day was unforeseen.

[It was such a strange day.]

I can only think of one scenario in which you'd simply accept the notion of a god of death.

[Someone you trusted would have to tell you; Mello would have to tell you.]

I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it when we apprehended Higuchi. By the time we did, there was only time to close one door.

[He sighs shallowly.]

You might not think so, now. Knowing what you know about the case and the way it ended. But I tried to read my case notes through the eyes of an outsider, and the last part sounded as though the author had broken with reality to invent an absurd fiction. If I'd forwarded that to the House without explanation, without Watari alive to corroborate the events, it never would have made it past Roger's desk and into your hands, anyway.

[Embarrassing, really, to see the deceased original's final broken ramblings. Certainly not for the eyes of the next generation.]

I refuse to believe that in all your years as L, you've never been in a situation where your understanding of a case was based on a shadow, and the bear behind you casting that shadow got close enough to hurt you.

[Like the time Mello took out Near's task force with a death note. L would mention it specifically, if he knew.]

Edited 2021-07-05 04:03 (UTC)

None of this changes the fact that you allowed yourself to get too close.

[The same way he is now. Near shouldn't need to repeat this. He's said it enough, but it needs to be driven home. L continues to set this point aside when it's the most important one.]

What happened happened. I wasn't there. It may not be fair for me to make any calls on what you should or shouldn't have done. And your actual notes remain the least important thing.

[They hadn't been needed. It had taken some time, but he'd made his own. What was more valuable would have been the trust of the police, which he didn't have.]

God of death or no, you knew Yagami wasn't trustworthy. Am I wrong?

[Had L truly allowed his suspicions to weaken enough to where Kira had slipped in and made himself a space at the detective's side? Had his mentor really believed him?]

[So it didn't distract or divert. L wonders if he'd ever believed that it would, or even if he'd wanted it to. Is he just saying things that are true, hoping that a confession will eventually stick and be adequate?

Near's conceded, at least, that he wasn't there. That it's done; that it may not be fair. It's possible that's all L wanted, truly, and this will permit them to move on with their difficult conversation.]

He wasn't trustworthy. Isn't trustworthy.

[Near's not wrong.]

A bold stroke and constant surveillance was necessary. I knew that before I even met him, after I determined that Kira could control the time of death. If I enjoyed his company... it was incidental, and not a deciding factor in how I treated him, or how I was willing to resolve the investigation.

[I enjoyed him. You mustn't think that's why I lost. L still doesn't think so.]

[It might not be the main reason L lost, but Near does strongly believe it was a contributing factor. Reading people and situations comes with the job description. What he's seen of the way L talks about Light, even without seeing much of their interaction, speaks for itself.]

Your view is extremely biased.

[Narrowing his eyes had been so much easier when he still had eyelids. He doesn't miss those as much as his legs, but he is occasionally reminded that they're not there.]

It was hardly incidental. You can continue to believe you were unaffected by your attachment, but the only way to prove otherwise is to act appropriately going forward.

[A squirming, mottled, gnawing part of L realizes that it's probably true. Near might not be a people-person, but he's had many years of experience doing a job that requires an unrivaled ability to take apart human beings, study their motives, and predict their next actions. Near knows, or at least gets the gist, of what L feels toward Light. What they've done, what they could do, given the right mood and opportunity.

Not his business, is the knee-jerk retort, but they're Bonded, just as much as L and Light are Bonded. In hindsight, is it unfair for L to think that it was nothing more than a dirty trick for Near to attach to him like a lamprey to psychically spy on him?

Better to confirm and to at least imply hard lines and boundaries. Better to know.]

"Acting appropriately" is subjective. Everyone has a different idea of it. I'd like to know yours.

[So he can respect it, or reject it, but it's a kind of dishonesty L likes to believe he's grown beyond, to glibly agree without understanding what he's agreeing to, use ignorance as a later defense.]

It's true that everyone has a different idea about it, but I feel as though you should be able to make an educated guess.

[So dry. Having to literally spell this out for L isn't giving Near any more confidence about the situation. But he can understand, to a point, wanting things in writing. Common sense isn't something he can rely on in this case.]

Acting appropriately. As in showing me that your relationship won't affect your judgement, just as I've said. Just as I'm asking. Perhaps I'm asking too much.

[It certainly feels like it, when it comes to Light.]

Do you?

[He seems surprised, both brows raised under his shaggy bangs.]

I always thought that of all my successors, you came closest to seeing me for what I was.

[Someone, in other words, who has no notion of what's appropriate and what isn't aside from what he's learned by rote, who outsources all such matters to his handler, keeping human affairs at arm's length. Easy to see why, when they're so messy, so fraught.

Truly a terrible and sorry excuse for a man.]

I can promise my best. To borrow the surplus might be inappropriate, from those who would lend it.

[There's acting appropriately in a social aspect and acting appropriately when it comes to handling ones emotions in a case. Near is fully aware of both their failings in the first matter.]

You're twisting the issue and you know it.

[He needs to remind himself regularly that if he and Mello are two sides of L's persona then his mentor is just as capable of being as emotionally irrational as his rival. It's the half that's more familiar to Near that makes the other part more irritating.]

Just be aware that if you hesitate I will not.

[L's eyes are downcast. He probably does know that he's twisting the issue; it comes so naturally. He likes to get what he wants.]

I might hesitate. If I do... I know that you won't.

[Acknowledgment of the problem, resignation toward the solution. He knows what it will do to him, mentally and emotionally. He has relinquished that to the Greater Good, and for that, he calls himself brave.

Does Near call anyone at all brave? L wonders. L's aware that to care, even a little bit about what Near thinks or believes, is probably masochistic.]

I won't be angry, if you do.

[He might throw his life away, but it's not as bad as being angry. It's not as bad as being heartbroken, it's not as bad as feeling at all.]

Edited 2021-07-19 03:33 (UTC)

You being angry isn't what concerns me.

[Near can deal with angry. It won't be that simple when it comes to this man. He's likely to something stupid, or even many somethings, afterward. This relationship is a lost cause with him.]

You need to realize who he is, what he is, who you are, and what you're doing.

[Somewhere along the line he thinks the man has forgotten.]

I can't tell you that you're better than this, because I honestly don't know if that's the case.

[L pinches the bridge of his nose. He doesn't expect Near to treat him like someone who feels and would grieve, beyond how it could make him a liability. In some ways, that keeps things simple; in other ways, it makes him angry, and it makes him angry that Near doesn't find that concerning.

Deep, calming breaths. Quiet enough that they're not obvious.]

Say that I realize. Enough, if not all.

[He can't, after all, claim to have seen what Near has, or fully understand it beyond what he's been told. A story only carries so much with it.]

My choices may still be the right ones for me, made for my own reasons. All of us have something we hold and choose, and... maybe more tightly and earnestly, if we've accepted that it's temporary.

[His dark eyes, not looking directly at Near, seem dimmer than usual.]

You're under no obligation to tell me what you don't believe. I get that from him, you know.

[Clever. Comrade. Contender.]

I've only seen a few films in my life. There wasn't time for it... and I wasn't interested. I'm not sure that it's the same for you.

[He assumes that Near isn't interested, now. He says his piece, anyway.]

The first one I remember is The Wizard of Oz. An orphan, caught in a storm, chasing always after a man who only tells lies and offers cheap trinkets. Do you know it?

[Dim, still. He doesn't expect Near to, expects an admonishment even from a man who sees nothing wrong with his own childish things.]

I know the Wizard of Oz.

[It's an important pop culture reference. He would only be keeping useful information out of his knowledge base if he didn't see it.]

But if you're making a comparison between yourself and Dorothy, it's a poor one. Dorothy was a naïve child with no idea of what she was getting into. She was blind to the Wizard's lies. You're not.

[At least he shouldn't be, though Near can't help but question how true that is lately.]

I'm sorry for your terrible preferences. But you're in love with a murderer with delusions of godhood. A murdered who killed you, no less. I can offer you very little sympathy over his potential loss.

[Perhaps Near isn't a paragon himself, but he has limits. There should be nothing to grieve here, as far as he's concerned. Their viewpoints on the matter vary too greatly.]

[L's brows raise, surprised. He shakes his head, earnest, off-put.]

No... that's not the comparison I'd make. Twenty years or more ago, if I would at all. I'm a witch, whatever you think of my preferences, and any notion of "home" is also long-fled.

[He sighs softly.]

I have no sympathy for the wizard. Hate him, actually. He wasn't even real, for what he purported, but... he lived, in the end. Exposed as a fraud, he did live and thrive in Oz, after a cyclone swept him away from the world he was born into. We know what he is and how he came to be here, and how he measures up to what's true. We can work with that, if a naive and blind child could, surely.

Edited 2021-07-24 20:21 (UTC)

There are very few comparisons to be made here. I don't see it as a good analogy. It's too general.

[Near doesn't trust L trying to work with Light in any way. Spinning this in any positive manner only looks evasive at this point.]

What are your plans for dealing with him, then? If you know your weaknesses what do you intend to do about them?

[If death is off the table for both of them. If L can keep himself free of his martyr-like tendencies.]

We're two powerful magic practitioners who are ideologically opposed. Counterintuitively... what you perceive as too general is what I perceive as simple, clear, and pared to essentials. Trains of thoughts thus unencumbered move more quickly, and our Bond is like that.

[And even among L's especially compatible Bonds, present and past, Light is in a class of his own. L is only half of a person in such a Bond, but collaboratively, it's the most like an entire person he has ever felt.]

We're highly effective at work and on missions. Our respective ideologies aren't relevant in such environments and so they go unaddressed. Though you used the word "love"... I think that if you saw how things tend to go with me when love is an element, you'd realize you're quite mistaken. Love's absence is the reason we can be close, and even entwined, without posing a plausible threat to one another.

[A pause. He's boring Near, probably.]

...this comes with the caveat that he doesn't learn about you, and Mello, and what happens in his future. I'm committed to that; are you?

Edited 2021-07-25 21:12 (UTC)

You would ask that of me?

[After this entire conversation they've had?]

Don't try to reverse this scrutiny. The only threat of me telling him anything of his future lies with interference beyond my control.

[Magical events that alter their usual way of thinking. These have always been a possibility, especially in the dreams He will do everything he can to keep himself from leaking anything important, but in those cases there's only so much he'll be able to do.]

Same as any of us.

A reciprocal understanding is not only mutually beneficial, it's vital.

[It goes above what could turn human and petty.]

If we're all responsible, we're all invested. That's all.

[Near sighs. Would all serious conversations with L be this draining?]

Then you have my answer. I have no desire to tell him anything. Or most others, for that matter.

[He will always be perfectly content to keep any information to himself that he doesn't need to share for the sake of business. It's why he still manages to throw off his coworkers of over a decade.]

For all this place has changed me, I would like to continue living.

[A question sits at the forefront of L's mind. He's unsure if their Bond is strong and holds the necessary trust for Near to pick up on it; maybe that necessitates actually asking. Maybe that inherently excludes that notion, an instant and absolute rejection.

Why? Why do you want to continue living?

Not that L doubts it, not that he believes Near's life is a misery that would see ending as a mercy. But reason, meaning, and purpose, and all of their relative application across sentient beings are important to him. Maybe after seeing enough examples for himself, he can bring the formula home, make it work, master it for himself.

He's felt this way since he was five years old. There are ways he has simply never grown older, even if Aefenglom has been a sort of stretching rack to force adaptation.]

I guess it's settled, then.

[Safer, in the end, to promise more distance.]

[It's simple, really. Continuing to live, to spite those who might wish it otherwise and despite any who've come before him in his profession, is a victory all on its own. Moreso, though he would hardly call it anything he owes, it's only right that he continue to go on given that there were many along the way who were unable to.

L is eternal. The name means something, no matter those who've used it.

Near's nod is slow, seemingly already distracted to anyone who doesn't know him.]

It is.

[A breath out.]

Is there anything else?

(no subject)

hearthebell - 2021-08-16 02:08 (UTC) - Expand