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I have no reason to believe it will be soon.

[Light has made no movements as of late that would cause Near to lean toward possibility. He doesn't have to.]

His very existence here gives me reason to believe it will happen eventually.

[He is Kira. He's beyond making the decision to become Kira, and this world will not keep him from what he considers to be his destiny. Despite their bond, L will only be seen as a roadblock to overcome, just as he was before. So as long as he's here Near will have to take various possibilities into account.

He would like to be content, or complacent, just as L is. But he is the future now, and with that on his shoulders he can't allow himself to be.]

[Not soon bodes well, at least relatively speaking. For L, anyway; his future is shorter and much, much darker than Near's in their world. Is that why he doesn't feel the same press of urgency and horror? Is that a part of him that just isn't capable of responding anymore, and was it possibly broken from the beginning?

"Eventually" is coming, whether or not he can see it, even if it's a long way off. He can't really ignore it, or pretend it isn't there, and even if he could, he's long deferred to Near's knowledge in an area he has none, for very obvious reasons.]

I have one more question... because I know you're not going to coddle me or invent some fiction to spare my feelings or avoid hurting me.

[Near's fine with that, he's come to realize. Occasionally, he welcomes it... but this is the reason he doesn't foresee this conversation extending much further, because there's only so much of it a person can take, even a similarly stunted and strange being such as himself.]

Is there no circumstance or situation in which you could conceive of him feeling anything but murderous hatred for me?

[The question all but confirms Near's concerns in regards to L's involvement with Kira. He'd known from the start, but hearing it said out loud still sends an uncomfortable twinge through his gut.

L is dangerously interested in his opponent, and there's little the naga can do to persuade him to disconnect himself from this obsession. That draw is an unfortunate side effect of their profession, lonely as they often are in it.

His tongue flicks slowly in and out of his mouth.]

There is. But Kira's views on the world are twisted by his ambitions. Whether or not he hates you, you will always be an obstacle to be removed.

[Even if the two of them were to get close, it would ultimately mean nothing. Light would give up anyone in his quest for godhood.]

He will betray the women who love him and the family that raised him. You're his opponent. What place in his life do you think you have?

[L's breaths are shallow. He doesn't look directly at Near, indeed doesn't even face him fully.

He wants to hear more about the circumstance Near could conceive of, the one that allows for what once seemed ludicrous to the detective. Suppress that, for now.]

I'm an obstacle, of course.

[It was the situation from the beginning. There's security in it, almost more so because it can't ever truly change.]

Betrayal is the expectation, and always was. I'm not delusional, I just suppose... a human may admire beauty, and a lie may be very beautiful.

Edited 2021-05-27 16:42 (UTC)

Yes, many creatures lure their prey in with their beauty before biting off their heads. I would have liked to believe that you and the common fly didn't have this much in common.

[Near can only assume most of this "beauty" is mental in nature. A beautiful mind. He can understand that much. If there's a physical element involved he would consider that beyond him.

It should be beyond L either way. It's disappointing that it isn't.]

I can't stress enough that he's already defeated you once. You'll have to forgive me my displeasure at the possibility of history repeating itself.

[L is intentionally vague about what kind of beauty he's referring to, leaving Near to fill in what he will. As long as some things are restricted to mere speculation, he has plausible deniability. He can't afford to alienate allies; he's so far from home, and decency, even by their particularly unique and strange standards.]

Then you know what it's like, to find the lie preferable.

[Spoken with resigned irony.]

We know what the past holds. The future, too, to a degree. Given the deviations in the present, from our original timeline... we can't reasonably expect the same outcome with key variables exchanged for new ones. I'm still an obstacle, as we've both acknowledged, and in our world I was a means to an end. I wasn't the end there, and that hasn't changed. It's not the answer he'll arrive at in conclusion. Like you... I don't foresee that changing anytime soon, unless...

[There's a troubled tenseness around his eyes. He's very pale, even by his typical unhealthy standards.]

Should he come to remember the same future you do, I believe that I still wouldn't be any sort of end, for him. It would be the one he fought later, and fell to, should his ire fixate on revenge.

Edited 2021-05-27 18:52 (UTC)

That's always been a possibility.

[Since Light's arrival, the potential of that revelation has always been in the back of Near's mind. Whether the man comes to remember it or this place foists the memories onto him, the chance that he'll learn of what happens is very high.

Someone could even come from the future who wants Kira to know of his defeat so that it might be stopped. There are so many unfortunate options.]

And that's why it's important that I remain close to him in some respect. Better to have some warning than none. There is a roadblock in place now that he has to bypass.

[He can't be disposed of so easily. There's less chance of him being unaware that Light has learned something he didn't know before.]

[By this logic, L believes, it's equally imperative that he remain close. There would be no reason for sudden distance or a departure, because as far as Light knows, no one has "won"; no one has prevailed. They could both forget, and go back, and it would be anyone's game.

L knows differently. He pretends it isn't so; he convinces itself it's for himself, and Mello, and Near, and not for whatever selfish desires might motivate him.

If that was the reason, what would it matter? Who would care, and what would come of it? He knows 90% of what's right, and 90% of what he wants, and everything in between is a mystery quantity to be reconciled with the truth.]

So let me be the roadblock.

[A quiet plea. L's the one he knows, after all, the glaring and conspicuous distraction. It shouldn't matter that he would take some pleasure in any amount of association with Light, even if it resulted in being dispatched.]

Should the time come to pick a side... please know that I am on yours. And on Malakai's, even at the expense of all else.

[Light's life; his own. That much is implied. Perhaps one isn't true without the other, but regardless, it's obvious that L is committed and earnest, however conflicted his soul might be. That was always collateral damage, the agreed-upon sacrifice, and it has been since the moment he agreed to stake his life on this case.

It's closed; Near did that. L still can't let it go, or forfeit the chance to consort with his killer again.]

I can't tell you not to be close to him - generally speaking. It wouldn't do any good to separate from him now anyway. You're both aware of each other.

But there's a difference between staying close to him and being infatuated with him.

[And is that not the way it is? Near doesn't believe that L would ever betray him or Mello for Light's sake. However that isn't the only danger here. His mentor's lack of regard for his own safety doesn't help anyone. They don't need a repeat of past events.]

I know you're on our side. If I thought for a moment that you weren't we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[L wouldn't be in his home. He wouldn't bother putting in any effort to keep him alive.]

A roadblock needn't be a sacrifice, and I don't need you offering to be that either.

[L's relief is conflicted and short-lived. "It would do no good to change the status quo" is not, after all, the same as "the status quo is good."]

"Infatuated" is a strong word.

[But perhaps not the wrong one. Troublingly, L doesn't deny it, or make an attempt at a reassuring show of disdain or disgust.]

In your place... I feel I would see something riddled with fallacies and contradictions. I'd see betrayal, or... at least foolishness and incompetence just as damaging. I believe as much, because even in my place, with my considerable bias, I still see it.

[And it's not enough to put him off what makes him something like happy.]

At one time, if someone appeared willing to die on a hill, I challenged them to do exactly that. Usually... it worked well. It gave away their location and made their stupid mistakes obvious. If their crime was serious enough, they were sentenced to death when I caught them.

Speaking to you, about him... I struggle to determine whether the hill is on the horizon or under my feet, and the challenge is more like an echo.

[It's his strange, abstract way of saying that he's either lost completely, or exactly where he was always supposed to end up. Either way, he is painfully reluctant to move from the spot.]

For contingency's sake... what's to be done if he ages and recalls years at a time, the way you did?

[Near hadn't expected L to contend what he'd said, but sometimes the expected response is still a bothersome one. "Infatuated" is exactly the right word, or he wouldn't have used it.]

Your past challenge is over. It will never be the way it was. Please keep that in mind.

[If L thinks it might be a better experience here he's deluding himself as far as Near is concerned. It's the same song and dance and he needs new material, however much he might get out of this.

As for what he plans to do...]

He can only age so far. [There is no decade worth of time in Light's future the way there had been in his.] If he ages it will be immediately apparent. If he recalls memories without aging it will also be apparent. Yagami Light is a good actor, but there will be no hiding a certain look in his eyes. The man is tainted.

If or when that happens I will do whatever I have to. He will want to confront me in some way.

[He nods silently. So much is over. It's sullen and plaintive every time L reflects on it for long. It seems rosier for the distance. The future seems uncertain and dark by comparison, but didn't he know exactly where they were, exactly what they were doing, down to the color of the shirt Light was wearing on any given day during that case?

You can cherish something that's over. Others do; it's acceptable to keep memories, even mementos...

L doesn't see why Light Yagami, himself, can't be such a memento.

When the conversation turns to the uncertain and dark future that L avoids by glancing over his shoulder at the past, only a people-reader of their particular ability and skill could perceive just how much some of Near's word choices are difficult for the main to hear. "Tainted", especially, strikes a nerve that subtly tightens the edges of L's eyes for a brief moment.]

I've given up trophies before. For a greater good.

[Niles' eyepatches had felt heavy when he'd handed them over to Myr, but he had done it. Can he do the same with Light when it's time?

More importantly, can he do it without giving himself up as well? Does he even have faith that anything of himself will remain, after giving up Light?

The problem, such as it is, grows ever clearer. L still doesn't want to confront it for what it is.]

If you come to feel that killing him is necessary... will you do it in a way I can see?

[The words are carefully chosen. L hasn't asked to help, or even to be present. Perhaps it's to allay any concern, or awkward looming possibility that L may interfere or try to prevent Near doing "whatever he has to".

Maybe it's too much, even, to suggest to Near that it's deeply important to him to witness Light's death, if it must come to that.]

Edited 2021-06-06 04:06 (UTC)

[L existed before Light. L continues to exist, in a form, after Light. If Near could be at all aware of what his bonded was thinking it would infuriate him. He's already unsettled as it is. He hates being unsettled.

The talk of Light as though he's an object, a prize of some sort, is frankly disgusting to him. Not because he believes the murderer's humanity should be respected, but because of how unhealthy those thoughts are and how difficult they may make his tasks in the future.]

Acquiring a trophy requires winning. You did not.

[Nothing L does here will change the fact that he will cease to be back in their world. If it did, Near's memories of the incidents would surely change as well. Time is immutable like that, or should be. It will not happen because it did not.

Even if his mentor is merely making a comparison, it's a poor one.]

But I do want you to see his end if that's necessary. [Which it almost definitely will be, if you ask him.] I need you to see his face when he's the most genuine.

[When all of that inner demon is spread across his features.]

I'm only concerned you'll attempt to think of an excuse to stop it.

[L's existence is, in a way, independent of both of them, bigger than both of them as individuals. It might be why L's expression turns bemused at Near's blunt admonishment.]

L won.

[He speaks with eerie detachment that Misa lacks when she speaks of herself in the third person. He both is, and isn't speaking in the third person, just as he both is and isn't L. It's not Schrödinger's victory, however; L, as a concept or a team or an ideology, had triumphed.

The thin, shabby man who had held the title once believes he's the only one who wants the trophy he's designated quite so badly.

He also believes that he has seen Light genuinely. Through mirrors around corners, perhaps, refracted, distorted, but not fake, for one who knows how to mentally adjust for it. He has grown so used to compensating for distrust and managing the expectation that those who come close have done so to destroy him that it feels normal, almost comforting.]

I don't believe your judgment regarding this matter to be heavily emotional or biased. Therefore... any excuse of mine, "tainted" by those things, would be unreliable.

[In spite of L's insistence, will this become a tug-of-war for Light Yagami's fate? Uneasily, he thinks to lonely moments and illusion practice, the face he chose to conjure to sit beside in soothing silence. If Light was gone, would that start up again? Aside from the Bond they have in this world, is there another one that can pull Near's predecessor right along with him, however compliant he might be according to the successor's (victor's) wishes?

Or is it just the same impulse that had caused Light Yagami to reach for him as he fell in a future neither of them has lived through, gripping him in twisted vigil as he breathed his last?

Will you do it in a way I can see. Just that; he doesn't need to hold Light's body or his hand. At the very least, he can't ask.]

If I trust you to make the call, I need you to trust that I'll stand aside.

[The promise feels unreal, some phantom sensation that hasn't fully registered yet. He vaguely recalls having felt this way when he vowed to stake his life on the Kira case. Was he really considering that it could result in his death, the way he had when Ukita's death had set his limbs trembling?]

Edited 2021-06-08 04:42 (UTC)

[The problem is, Near can't trust L to stand aside. The trade is fair but the track record isn't. L is attached. He hasn't yet proven that this won't hold him back. How can his successor make an agreement he won't be able to stand behind?

The naga crosses his arms over his chest. His displeasure with the conversation is clear.]

I'll trust that you'll stand aside. I can't trust that you'll stay there.

[The victory of L as a concept does not mean that the man they defeated is now a prize for the name's former owner. If anything, Near could argue that they won the case in spite of him, not because of him. After all, what had he left them to work with? His efforts had left Light in charge of the team that should have been working to take him down. It had given him resources he shouldn't have had.]

What have you done to prove otherwise?

[Insult and injury smack simultaneously. Maybe Near intends it; maybe not, but L struggles to understand why Near wants to remain close when it seems so clear that there's no love lost between them. His patience and grace only extends so far, because they are, after all, so much alike.]

I haven't been in a situation like this before. You're asking me to prove what hasn't had a fair elicitation frame in the past.

[Because Near is harsh? Because he expects better from L? Because he wants to hear the man say that he failed?

That's probably it.]

Is it true that you can't even trust that I did what I had to? I left you witnesses. Task force members who would have offered you key information. You couldn't have done it without Aizawa and Mogi, right?

I could have. I did, for the most part.

[Had they been integral to his victory? Possibly. Not as helpful as his own people, and it had taken some time for them to come around. It had taken effort that could have better been used elsewhere had they been on his side to begin with.]

You left those men in the hands of the enemy and you expected them to come to me? If not for Yagami keeping his cover they wouldn't have lived through the investigation.

[Even if they had - even if they'd come to his side willingly - what knowledge they had wouldn't make up for all that L had destroyed.]

Maybe you haven't been in this situation before, but there doesn't always have to be a precedent for something for an outcome to be predicted. You know this.

[L doubts, visibly, that cooperation with the task force hadn't helped Near tremendously. But he wasn't there; for reasons both of them know, he couldn't be.]

Let's backtrack for a moment. A thought experiment... a lark.

[As though this is fun for him, and not the kind of torment he expects from his enemies and allies alike. Is that why his ability to differentiate between them seems compromised, at times?]

What would you have done in my place?

Not have gotten so close to Yagami, for one thing.

[Possibly to his detriment, but he's saying it like it is. Who knows how things would have gone if their interaction had remained from a distance. L approaching him like he had forced Kira's hand in interesting ways. Had he not done that, perhaps the man would have gotten more complacent. It's impossible to say now.

But even had he approached him, he wouldn't have gotten close the way L did. Far too close.]

I want you to know that your deletion of the information never bothered me.

[He would have taken similar precautions in that situation - but the situation itself is the problem. With Kira in the inner circle able to follow anyone's movements it would be difficult to send the files anywhere they couldn't be traced. And what's worse, the company he kept couldn't be trusted not to report back to the suspect.]

It's that you left him full access to what was left.

[A strange expression flickers over L's face. Deadened dismay, like the ashes after a furious fire... and maybe pride, in the skill of one he respects.]

He wasn't meant to have that information. It was the point of erasing it, when I realized that I had a limited window in which to act. But if anyone could restore it... or trace the path of a copy...

[Light Yagami had managed to hack into the police's database, after all.]

I replay that last day constantly in my mind. In some part of it, it's always on repeat. Even with time and distance, I haven't thought of a way I could have saved my life or preserved those files. Actually, before I found myself here, I was--

[Holding a guardrail, thinking, thinking]

It doesn't matter. There was one way out, and... I know, based on what I've been told of the future, that it didn't happen that way.

Not the information itself. Anyone who could have remembered it.

[One of the most annoying aspects of dealing with Light had been how he bad been viewed by everyone else. He was the good guy and that was a problem. How do you convince fools that he's playing them for exactly what they are?]

With your death he was left with a full team at his disposal and access to anything the police could get their hands on. He had the trust of the police and we had to work around that.

[It's another thing he's at risk of repeating here.]

You left him too much power and he took full advantage of it.

[L seems tired without quite being reproachful. He reminds himself often, at this juncture, that Near's criticisms are fair, while still being criticisms of things that happened after L had died and could no longer control.

A wish expressed as a bluff had been taken at face value, by idiots. Light had inherited his title, functionally, for years before Near was ready to step up against him.]

I'd expect both of you to use what advantages were available to you, after...

[A pause. This is bothering him. However it might have seemed, however he might have felt in a weak and solitary moment...]

I was killed. My departure was an involuntary one, following the unprecedented revelation of a god of death and a murder notebook. You must stop speaking as though I chose death and loss.

[And as though I'm choosing it again, now.]

You placed yourself directly next to the man you considered the murderer. Even if you'd had doubts in your theories at any point, inviting someone who'd been a suspect to work on the case alongside you was taking a big risk. You put your life on the line and you knew this. You chose the potential of death.

Had your confidence been so high that you didn't take into account what might happen should you die while all those doors were left open to Yagami?

[Near isn't emotive. He doesn't shake his head in disapproval, he doesn't clench his fists. He twists his finger in his hair as he always does to keep his hands busy, so he isn't still and awkward while attention is upon him.]

Don't act as if what happened is a surprise to you - something unforeseen.

[Conversely, L is very still. Perhaps it's awkward. He's occupying several very different moments in time, and it leaves him feeling stretched, thin, almost transparent.]

My evaluation of the risks associated with the case looked very different on the case's first day. My last day was unforeseen.

[It was such a strange day.]

I can only think of one scenario in which you'd simply accept the notion of a god of death.

[Someone you trusted would have to tell you; Mello would have to tell you.]

I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it when we apprehended Higuchi. By the time we did, there was only time to close one door.

[He sighs shallowly.]

You might not think so, now. Knowing what you know about the case and the way it ended. But I tried to read my case notes through the eyes of an outsider, and the last part sounded as though the author had broken with reality to invent an absurd fiction. If I'd forwarded that to the House without explanation, without Watari alive to corroborate the events, it never would have made it past Roger's desk and into your hands, anyway.

[Embarrassing, really, to see the deceased original's final broken ramblings. Certainly not for the eyes of the next generation.]

I refuse to believe that in all your years as L, you've never been in a situation where your understanding of a case was based on a shadow, and the bear behind you casting that shadow got close enough to hurt you.

[Like the time Mello took out Near's task force with a death note. L would mention it specifically, if he knew.]

Edited 2021-07-05 04:03 (UTC)

None of this changes the fact that you allowed yourself to get too close.

[The same way he is now. Near shouldn't need to repeat this. He's said it enough, but it needs to be driven home. L continues to set this point aside when it's the most important one.]

What happened happened. I wasn't there. It may not be fair for me to make any calls on what you should or shouldn't have done. And your actual notes remain the least important thing.

[They hadn't been needed. It had taken some time, but he'd made his own. What was more valuable would have been the trust of the police, which he didn't have.]

God of death or no, you knew Yagami wasn't trustworthy. Am I wrong?

[Had L truly allowed his suspicions to weaken enough to where Kira had slipped in and made himself a space at the detective's side? Had his mentor really believed him?]

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