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[The feeling of having his memory sorted through as well as the reaction to it through his bond with L isn't entirely pleasant, but Near hadn't expected anything different.

It's worse when they're this close and the strength of the emotions through their connection is even stronger. These will always be a little overwhelming for someone who isn't used to feeling them at this level.

He freezes up briefly when the other man lowers his head onto him. He doesn't shove him away, though. He puts up with the contact, making no move to comfort him in return.]

... I hope it wasn't too traumatizing for you.

[People report the sensation differently. The speed and skill of the diviner can affect it, of course; L's capable of great delicacy and stealth, when necessary, but in this case his presence was known and his mission harried and rushed. It probably felt like a fast and prodding medical test of some sort.

No less, actually, for L, even if they weren't Bonded. Considering they are, it leaves him shuddering with the memories borrowed, found and reformed. The sensations are sickening, the revelations chilling, and his "traumatizing" death is actually the least of it.]

No, I...

[A deep, quavering breath as his head remains on Near's shoulder. He'd raise it, but it feels weighted, aching.]

I'm grateful. I owe you thanks, and an apology, for all that mad rambling.

You don't owe me anything.

[L has done enough for him up to this point. Near twirls a finger in his hair, looking away awkwardly at the gratitude, careful not to move in a way that will shift the other man from his current position.]

I don't intend to intrude on personal business from your past. Whatever happened had nothing to do with me.

[If it had been something he'd needed to know to fulfill his future duties as L he would have been told about it. Otherwise it appears to have been just an unfortunate predecessor.]

And I only did what I had promised to do.

[L blinks, averts his eyes for a moment. Whether it's in reflection or humiliation is unclear... but then again, it's not as though Near's looking directly at him, not as though either of them are analyzing it to the point of burning discomfort.]

Indirectly... it had quite a lot to do with you. And everyone who came after. Are you truly not interested at all, or... do you just mean to respect a sensitive boundary?

Would it be cold hearted of me to say I'm truly not interested?

[Sounding cold hearted has never mattered much to Near. He doesn't make friends easily for a reason.]

I'm sure it affected the way Wammy's was run and the way successors were handled. But ultimately it involves someone who couldn't handle the position. Is there really anything else I need to know?

[If L is annoyed with him for saying this then maybe he'll set aside any thoughts of owing Near anything. That will ne easier on both of them.]

Perhaps it would be cold-hearted... but that's not what I care about.

[L lifts his head and rights his posture, at least to the extent that it ever is right.]

He was like you. You need to know that he was so much like you.

If he was as much like me as you say then I wouldn’t have been needed. He would have been around to get the job done.

[There's a very slight edge to Near's voice as he responds. Similar or not, he doesn't appreciate the comparison. It's a brief moment of insecurity brought about by his bond with Mello and his desire to avoid being compared to someone who had lost.]

This seems more like something you can't get past.

You speak with such surety, for one who wasn't there, and never made a study of that history.

[Confidential, like everything else. But as L, if Near had really wanted to find out about what had happened to his predecessors, he would have been able to.

L's grey eyes strike their standard balance of distant melancholy and steadiness.]

All things considered, there isn't actually a way you could be so sure.

You also haven't denied my assumption.

[But the stubbornness in Near's gaze melts away again and he sighs. His long body shifts against the uncomfortable chair.

There was a time when he would have been pleased to have L share any story with him.]

What do you want to tell me, Linden?

[He could dance around this for another half-hour, at least. Instead, he cuts right to it, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his chin atop them.]

I want to tell you that it's the reason I stayed away. You deserved a fighting chance.

[Near releases a short, humorless chuckle.]

Is this all hindsight? There was always a logical reason for you to stay away. Not just for our safety, but for yours. I didn't hold that against you.

No need to make a choice grander than it was.

Of course there was a logical reason, but you know I didn't always adhere.

[Certainly, Mello would have rubbed it in others' faces, the fact that he had gotten to talk with L and hear about several cases directly from the mind who solved them. It's only recently that L has deigned to wonder at all how that might have affected Near, who seemed to always be above it all.]

Grandness is all a matter of perception. If you dedicate your life to something... there's some part of you, certainly, that thinks it's grand, or values it.

[He shakes his head.]

You should know that it wasn't my intention to meet Mello. I was exhausted and careless during a brief visit, and he got lucky.

[Or, did he? Mello, of the two of them, had been the one to leave. Mello had been the one to die.]

I never needed to meet you.

[If that comes out a little harsh, then so be it. But even if he says this there's no denying that part of him has always been jealous that Mello had been able to make that contact.

Their reasons for wanting to meet him were always different, though. Mello would have wanted to talk to him on a personal level - to learn from him. Near would have wanted to analyze him - to know what sort of person he was supposed to fill the shoes of.

But in the end, he would fill those shoes whether he met their original owner or not.]

Do not pity me, Linden.

Of course you didn't. No one needs more than shelter from the elements, and enough food and sleep to survive. Even that's negotiable for some of us.

[He stares at his clasped hands.]

"Pity" isn't the right word. You were better off for it... wouldn't you say that you were alright, in the end?

Edited 2021-05-03 03:04 (UTC)

['Alright' is relative. There are those who would say that Near had never really been 'alright'. That some parts of him had always been stunted to make up for the parts that developed too quickly.

But had he succeeded? Yes, mostly. He's survived longer than his predecessor. He had a promising career. If that means he did 'alright', then yes. He'd been 'alright'.]

I was.

So again. Don't compare me to the one you lost.

Edited 2021-05-03 20:36 (UTC)

[L nods, staring straight ahead, away from Near and into a vague middle distance. He doubts it, the way he doubts that any of them were OK; in any case, it's clear that the topic is an unwelcome one.]

There were two things. I've only addressed one.

[Took him long enough.]

You should know that Light confessed to me. He didn't mean to; he believes it's between he and I, alone.

Confessed.

[Near might have sneered, if he was the type to sneer. L makes it sound as though he should be expecting a wedding invitation in the mail at any point.

He doesn't miss where his mentor claims it was unintentional. That's not too surprising, given how this place is. It doesn't make his next question any less harsh.]

And what did you do? Tell him you still love him even though he's a murderer?

[L stares flatly at the naga.]

So, your sense of humor grew in at last. Congratulations.

[He stands, under the apparent pretense of stretching his legs. It's probably to put distance between them, give the insult room to marinate and stew.]

You chose to Bond with both of us. It's working out for you; of anyone, you should be the most satisfied with a discreet retention of the status quo.

I chose to bond with Yagami for my own reasons. We're not at all close. I can't say the same for you.

[He hadn't cared for what he'd heard of the way L handled Light in the past, and he doesn't believe the situation has improved here. It isn't even necessary here, as far as he's concerned.]

What did he tell you, exactly?

[Near doesn't even ask if his bonded is willing to share.]

[L's glance over his shoulder is a dark one.]

We are close. I still came to you with this information. It's fortunate that I don't base these decisions on mutual respect, isn't it?

You can consider it repayment for my earlier actions if you care about that. I had enough respect for you to leave you with some dignity. You should have enough respect for yourself and those that came after you to think better about how you become involved with him again.

[Near takes a deep breath. He would have closed his eyes along with it if he could, but this will have to do.]

Now you can storm out or you can tell me what he said.

[Don't pretend that you care about my dignity, now or ever.

He keeps his back turned, reproachfully. He clasps opposite elbows over his chest.]

"There's no Death Note here, and I can't even stop the criminals that our normal justice system would have stopped. It's frustrating."

[There would have been more to the conversation than that, of course, but L is letting him know that at least the Death Note has been mentioned directly.

Of course Kira would make it sound as though he needed a hand in the law enforcement system here.]

I wasn't aware crime was rampant in Geardegas.

[He says this dryly.]

His sort of justice isn't needed here. Don't allow him to convince you otherwise.

How do you plan on handling him from here?

[Of course there was more... but innate pettiness keeps certain cards closer. The mercy of killing him in a dream aside, if Near wishes for the privilege of mocking and belittling L while benefitting from their Bond, L sees nothing wrong with assigning himself certain other privileges as the price for enduring it.

Access to Light, friendship with Light, even physical intimacy with Light might be what that means. For now, L's innately lonely nature clings to the rival he was denied until the end, his peer, his equal, who may hate L but would only insult himself, by insulting the detective.]

A warden's quarantine. If he wants something, he needs to go through me for it. I'm directly involved in his goals now and if I disagree, it doesn't happen.

[He's perfectly aware, of course, that Light might try to go behind his back... but the disadvantage of being the subject of L's famously fixated obsessions is that it's a virtually impossible task.]

It should go without saying that I fundamentally disagree with Kira, now and always. It should go without saying that I'll die before he finds out about the case's connection with you or Malakai, from me.

[I've done my due diligence, separating all of this in my mind. Save your grievances and your contempt.]

Edited 2021-05-08 19:41 (UTC)

It should go without saying.

[Near agrees, leaving dead and empty air after that statement that could be filled with any number of reasons why it doesn't.

L knows all of this, knows how his bonded - Mello in particular - might feel about it. He's aware that Light had killed him and more than one of the children from Wammy's house - had killed so many others without regrets - but he still wants the company of a murderer for reasons outside of their bond.

He doesn't have the memories Near has. The naga can still bring it up in his mind as clear as playing back a video: the madness in the man's eyes, the way he'd rectified all the killing in his mind by seeing himself as a god, the way he'd flailed about on the floor calling the names of people who wouldn't come for him. The man in this world might not have done that yet, but if what he said to L is any indication then the potential is still very much there.]

He's already killed you once.

[This should go without saying.]

If he does it again it won't be in a way where you'd be able to easily come back.

[And if that happens, Near will be certain the same happens to Kira in turn.]

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